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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

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Client: “My laptop won’t turn on.”
Me: “It isn’t charged. You have to charge it.”
Client: “I’ve been charging it for 3 hours.”
Me: “With what? Your charger isn’t plugged into the laptop.”
Client: “I’ve been charging it with my iPhone.”

Upon reminding a client that she only needs to click once to activate a link, rather than the double clicking she was doing:
Client: “When did you change that? It’s always been double click until today!”

"Which way will the website appear in Australia?"

"We’ve thought about it, and we just don’t like the letter ‘K’. It’s too mean. These are sensitive times, what with the war and all the new ethnic peoples."

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"I'm going fishing."
Really means, "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means, Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means, "I have no idea how it works."

"I was listending to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means, "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"We're going to be late."
Really means, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."